Friday, December 17, 2010

The Gift I Can Give

I have spent the past few days very down and depressed due to my recent knee surgery. I really can't explain it. EVERYONE has been so extremely kind and giving. I know it has a lot to do with my discomfort and pain. (Getting off narcotics tends to wreck ones emotions too, I understand.)

Yet, I have been so surprised at myself--how weak and vulnerable I am being and how I don't care. I feel like I am usually so "put together" and in control. Not for the past 11 days. My poor family.

I am alone this afternoon and evening. Brian has taken Abby to Travis' basketball game two hours north and won't be home until late. So easy for me just to lay on the sofa and feel sorry for myself and NOT do my physical therapy exercises and NOT get up and walk and NOT fold laundry or pay bills or wrap gifts (which I am perfectly capable of doing.) I've been ignoring phone calls and texts from sweet friends all morning. I just want to wallow in self-pity.
One of those ignored friends just stopped by. I didn't want to answer the door, but when I peeked out the window and found it was her, I HAD to. She spent maybe 20 minutes just visiting and listening and letting me talk about the misery.

When she left I had a smidgen of optimism. I got up, turned on some Christmas music, emptied the dishwasher, and started another load of laundry. On the radio I heard a commercial for some holiday event where a shepherd boy asked, "what can I give him?"

That got me thinking. I am very self-consumed right now (and maybe that is OK.) But, what CAN I give the Savior?
After several minutes of soul searching I concluded that I can reach deep deep inside myself and find my own joy. If I can find happiness in myself and actually BE happy, then I will certainly show Him how grateful I am for just being, for my body that is capable of healing, for my loving family. It would certainly be a much-needed gift to them if I were to at least attempt a positive attitude. It would be a gift to me and, hopefully, a gift to Him.

So, I will get up off the couch. I will DO something. I will try.

It's all I can give right now. Just taking care of me. He has offered me PEACE and I want to receive it.


Dixie Mom said...

I have been going through the same thing and I didn't even have knee surgery. I don't know why I'd just rather shut everyone else out either because I know that some communication with the outside world helps.

I think you're right. We just have to get up and do something more...doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure...a blessing of duty and love.

Even if it's just getting off my ingrate duff. I'll be trying to get up more.

I hope you feel better very soon.

Saimi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Saimi said...

Julie I completely understand! I was in the same boat last year recovering from leg surgery. My life revolved around wound care appointments, doctor appointments and physical therapy.

I was out for almost three months. I finally decided since I couldn't go to work that my recovery was going to be my new job. I poured everything into it and did what I had to do to get better.

Once I put my mind to it I stopped wallowing on the couch. This may sound crazy but a month before the accident I had just purchased my horse and it was driving me crazy not being able to ride her!

That alone was my motivation!! I know you can do this, I wish I was there to help you but hang in there and help yourself get better!!!

Merry Christmas Julie!

Jennifer said...

I am sorry that you have been feeling down. I will continue to keep you in my prayers!

Deb said...

I recently went through a serious bout of self-pity, did a search on how to overcome it, ran across some helpful info, and have done a lot of thinking and praying lately. Your example validates what I'm learning. Hope you don't mind my list.

1) Try not to allow self-pity to hang around; recognize it can be damaging. (Short term acknowledgement can be okay.)
2) Feel, express, list, Gratitude
3) Take Positive ACTION (exactly what you did by getting off the couch!)
4) Hope- list things to look forward to.

And the thing that has helped me most:

5) Love. People can live in horrible circumstances but can be happier if there is an abundance of love. Love in a heart is healing.

I love you!

Shannon said...

I've been thinking of you all week, but haven't stopped by because I don't want to make you walk to the door. Sounds like you're getting around plenty, though. Can you get out of the house, yet? Wanna go for a drive to see the lights or anything beyond the walls of your house?

If you're like me, change is a big part of the blues. It's very comforting to have things kind of run in a pattern- at least for me- and you've had a huge change thrown right in your face (or maybe I should say the rug's been pulled from under your feet since it involves your legs!)at the biggest "pattern" (tradition) time of the year.

You described some of the feelings I was having when I stumbled across (again)the book by Virginia Pearce with that "soul can split the sky in two" poem I posted in November. Such a good reminder. You've made the best and hardest step- just deciding to get up and do something no matter how you feel at first. Keep up the good work!!

Jennilyn said...

I love your nativity decorations. You and your camera-sharing talents have brought great joy to me. Thank you for blogging regularly. It is something I look forward to reading. I am thankful to know you, and feel blessed by your life. Joy Joy JOY is hard when you hurt. My hero is Corrie TenBoom (that can't be the right spelling) who could be thankful for lice because it kept the women prisoners safe from the guards. Gross and grosser, but a good example when I am feeling overwhelmed/tired/pained. I am amazed at the modern medicine miracle that has you up and WALKING! That is great news! I am confident it will keep getting better, so be patient with yourself! Love & hugs!

Mom to Many said...

Hang in there! I hope you get feeling better soon.


Nichole said...

I hope you are feeling better.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and you can too! :)

Lesa said...

I hope your weekend is going a little better. Hang in there. Very nice honest post. Thanks for sharing.

Lesa said...

And I love your new header.

Lacy said...

Best wishes, I didn't know about your surgery... I loved your post though. Thank you for sharing. The picture of the various nativity sets were awesome. I love to see all kinds of nativity sets. Sending some Christmas cheer your way :)

Suzanne said...

It's so difficult to reach outside of yourself when you aren't feeling well. I truly understand your feelings. I had very similar ones when I had my surgery. I hope that you can get the comfort you need both physically, emotionally and spiritually. It certainly sounds like you are on the right track! Take care.

Jackie said...

OH! Knee problems are THE WORST. You never realize, but it's so hard to bounce back. Your mood is totally understandable.

Hang in there sweet friend!

Marianne said...

You're amazing Julie. Simply Amazing Julie. (You must now change the name of your blog).

Thanks for a perspective check, and I'm not even crippled!!

Hilary said...

Great entry, and hang in there -- it's bound to get better, right?

Faith, Trust, and a Little Pixie Dust said...

Hi Julie,
I'm thinking of you--blog friend--and wishing you well. So sorry about the difficult recovery! We are all pulling for you. I hope that you will find joy & peace in the profound meaning of Christmas. **Hugs**
Warmly, Michelle